I think I won the penis lottery.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
He's hot, clean, can actually cook, and best of all isn't a narcissistic prick. I found a unicorn.
Ride that fucker.
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
