what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
i didn't realize we were even dating until i ran out of weed
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
You were sending me snapchats from a bathtub with your beer helmet on and your boobs out.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
How do I figure out the name of this sleeping naked guy in my bed?
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
