And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
