not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
How naked do you want me to be?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
Randomize
