I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
How did I end up with the cock ring?!
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
