Tell her she can't have a vagina
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
Uh I almost got the bride to go down on me. I'm the smoothest maid of honor ever.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
We have angered the beer gods. It feels like I'm shitting angry cats.
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Randomize
