Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Randomize
