two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
she had condoms in her med. cabinet - magnums -I don't think I'm tall enough for this ride
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
I want to lick his teeth again. Is that a creepy thing to say?
you're good to come back. The bouncer pulled me aside and told me. He also said you have nothing to worry about and that you have an awesome "upper punch" or some shit
When exactly does a bender just become a lifestyle?
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
We got cut off at the bar, but it's okay because I tactically rolled behind the bar and grabbed a bottle of whiskey. Meet me in the back booth when you're done puking in the bathroom. This is about to get real slutty.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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