I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
is it a bad thing if he can only get off when i start talking like one of the girls from Jersey Shore??
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
I have tasted many bathrooms
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Randomize
