Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
We had a pink drink in honor of my underwear and apparently I made out with our bartender... a few times
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
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