Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Seriously, let me lead the intervention, my parents did like three with me. I know how it works.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
