I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality
I will not hesitate to go down on a dick for some cream soda.
Ten minute nap on a staircase honey badger don't care
I love you. Mom got to wasted at the wedding that she threw up on my shirt.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Yeah, so if you ever try to steal it, just know my tongue's been on it in several occasions. All over it.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
How you run into a glAss door three times in a row I do not know
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