your thong is hanging out like whoa
it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry
We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I signed the divorce papers. Can I get a blowjob now?
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
My boob job is like a master key that gets me in any door, any party and anyone’s pants! They’re magical!
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
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