I am drunk raised to the nth degree. The possibility of getting sick is approaching infinity.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?
Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
My Wonder Woman lingerie has been defiled by man. I'm a horrible Amazon.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
