Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Any chance the bar is open now? Also who's wedding is this?
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
Maybe? I'm not shaving my pubes for a maybe type of night.
Just woke up to Siri reminding me that i need to kill the giant orange spider in my room, because it's sorcery and witchcraft is sacrilegious. Did you give me LSD again!?!??!
I just started an apology with "so I'm sorry about throwing the Brita at your head last night..."
So, were you planning on telling me you left your panties in my glovebox??
I'll tell you all about it in person but let's just say the big dick fairy must really like me right now
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