The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Dude we just exchanged Zelda related pickup lines. I fell in love at "you can blow on my ocarina"
Which one have i been cheating ON and which one have i been cheating WITH if i met them the same night & have been dividing time equally?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
