we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.
The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
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