mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
To the point, I hope I remember where to put my dick when I finally get laid again
You have a 50 50 chance
I think my dove chocolate wrapper just told me to masturbate.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I need to stop adding people I want to bone on LinkedIn.
..... starting now
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Do you realize we were driving someone else’s car and I was holding the wheel while you were driving and sucking my dick. That’s NOT normal
Randomize
