I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
He invited to drink but spelled forties wrong so no thx
Just witnessed a man yell "gonna catch a slut!" at himself in the mirror while doing bicep curls at the gym.
I was...perplexed.
Randomize
