I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Randomize
