Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
It was so romantic--he turned me around to face the sunset during doggy-style over the couch back.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
I found him with a guitar and his kitten in his room. He was singing a song he'd titled "you're a cat". Guess what most of the lyrics were...
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
I want to see boobs tonight. Like, real ones. Your ones.
I'm romantic.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
