someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
So, I ran into Garrett last night in the laundry room.
Oh really? First post break-up run in. How'd it go? Awkward?
Um. We had sex on a washing machine.
he's the kind of guy you give a fake number to and he still finds out your real number anyway...
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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