i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
Because you touch yourself at night.
...What time of day am I supposed to do it?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
she kind of stumbled up and said "Bitches be needin' stiches." i thought i could convince her to break a bottle over someones head but she fell onto her face and passed out before i could say anything
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
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