If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
So, I just pissed in her shampoo bottle. Hope she enjoys a late golden shower from me.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
No sexy Asian girl. No comfy bed. I'm just gonna lie here in the hall next to the garbage can until someone comes home.
You can't text people with drinkers' regret at 8 in the morning. It's just bad form.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
You've never sent a girl a dick pic?
Call me old fashioned
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Everytime I feel sad about the break up; I recall that she is a Bernie supporter and feel all better
Randomize
