so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
Seriously. You just grinded your ass all over the heisman trophy's dick. I want you to think about that.
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
i just woke up to a text from him apologizing for making me eat a full lemon
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I didn't want to walk to anymore parties because I found a cat. It was magical.
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
I woke up with an eye patch on, someone else's sweatshirt on, and no pants on. I hope it was a good night.
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
Randomize
