Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.
I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
"Here let me wipe my uterus off your dick" was probably the most unsexy thing said after period sex. I should get an award
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
