is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?
She started to rub her ass on my shoulder and i instantly thought "i am going to get E. Coli"
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
2:23 am. Im just at McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, paying in nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
2:26 am. Im just being thrown out of McDonalds, in my pajamas, at 2 am, without my nickles, cuz thats how i roll.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
