My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Seeing Harry Potter 3D stoned: Pro- giant redheads w/cute accents. Con-weeping for stoners who only had Pink Floyd laser shows.
Katie is reenacting me jizzing in her eye via emoticons...
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
My pants are on and I'm pretty sure I tried to throw them at someone.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
Randomize
