He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Randomize
