For some reason, Oliver from Hannah Montana reminds me of pudding.
That's cute.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
All I could think about while we were fucking was what Hogwarts house he would be in
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
Kid walks in and orders 24 Mcdoubles and 14 large fries, as he's handing me the money he tells me he lost at rock paper scissors so he had to do the munchie run.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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