Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Can't be considered a walk of shame if you pick up donuts on the way home
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
