I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
drunk caitlyn doesn't know how to work gmail. so know an email has been sent to the entire campus with a picture of me naked eating a bagel attached.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
Idk, I know when I drink vodka my bi side comes out and I just want to make out with a girl
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
