apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
i normally make it a rule to leave when white people start rapping... but they had blow.
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN
how did i know this would happen?
you invented a new sport called "bacon pulling" and you cried everytime a piece broke
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
It's not a funeral, it's a celebration of life. Going commando AND braless is really just honoring him!
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Randomize
