Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
Next Halloween, remind me to find a different wingman. Walking out in your pirate costume talking like Captain Ahab while i was banging her and telling me I had to harpoon the white whale really pissed her off.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
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