Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
there was a party in your bed and you weren't invited... change your sheets
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Wednesday is my day of reflection and making my dick and balls into shapes. So i'll be pretty busy.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
You know your horny when you have a sex dream about Ace Ventura, if your wondering he's awful
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Randomize
