I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
false alarm. still invincible.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
so I'm coping with getting the "I'm not over my ex" bomb dropped on me by getting drunk and yelling at people while wearing a purple princess hat
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
i had a tequila and emotion induced one night stand with a random stranger. senior year: infinity me: 0.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
