; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
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