Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
That dick was not the dick of a twenty year old
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
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