One girl and one boy is just not enough.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
walking back to the dorm.. she is flashing evryone, demanding beads. we tried to stop her and now she just keeps yelling "Bourbon st bitchesss"... you get her tomorrow
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
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