I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I just wanted to warn you I have strep throat incase I gave it to that guy we both hooked up with on New Years.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
he took a fucking pitcher of koolaid and vodka to the bath with him... i wake up from my blackout to his roomate screaming cause he spilled it and passed out in the middle of a blood red tub. she thought he killed himself. jesus christ its only the first day of break and i already regret coming home
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
