I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
Why does Jon Cryer have a career?
That is a good question.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
I'm getting better, this year I only showed up drunk to 1 final.
would you like to venture to the magical clitoris forest?
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
We spent 45 minutes searching the crevices of our friend's car with a pair of tweezers trying to find the acid that we dropped
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I HAVE A TEST I'M SORRY YOUR UN SUCKED DICK ISN'T MY FIRST CONCERN
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
