Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
I still can't believe he came down from his hiding place in the tree voluntarily because he didn't want us to have to talk to the cops alone...
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
On way back. With a shopping cart. Minimal casualties.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
He took me home and by the time I woke up after catching up on sleep I realized I accidentally put on one of his fiances socks. whoops.
Our house drank 90 beers yesterday afternoon before 8pm so add that to the list
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
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