i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
What you have to understand is that our lives aren't a disappointment so much as they crashed and burned with lethal doses of radiation and dog shit.
Randomize
