Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!
my new favorite insult= "thundercunt"
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
I think my brain is throwing up inside my head. How do you live like this?
Randomize
