she woke up with a sticky ear
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
I'm sort of afraid for my life tho. If the 4th of July can be the way it was a DMX show is capable of anything
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.
Idk if I deserve a medal or a one way ticket to hell
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
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