This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
In the words of my step grandma "whatever makes your pussy happy"
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I don't care. We're going to fuck. And I WONT apologize in the morning. You cheated on me, so you can cheat on her with me.
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
