Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Getting dome in the backseat of a friends car with Ariana Grande playing in the background was probably the most romantic part of my night
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
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