I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
my life is turning into trapped in the closet at way too fast a speed for me to feel comfortable.
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
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