Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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