Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
The Australian strangers convinced me to leave him behind when they started chanting Aussie Aussie Aussie, Oy Oy Oy, and told me they had a bunch of beer at their place.
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
Randomize
