oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
