in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
im six kinds of drunk right now
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Me sprinting out of your house without my bra or shoes is our entire relationship defined in a single moment.
after stripping the bed and soaking it with the "pet spot remover" I have, I decided in the best interest of my mattress and our drunk friends bladders, i should invest in rubber sheets.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Randomize
