Do you know of any times in scooby doo when the monster turned out to be a real monster? You know not just a person?
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
Im still in bed and cant move and i only had Two beers and a shot last night... how did I make it in college?
God gave us a 4 year grace period.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Actually some of the best sex I've had involved a lot of laughing.
How small IS your cock?
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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