I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.
And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
Christ I forgot how flexible you need to be for a decent sext pic. Jesus.
Now it's a thing. He's kind of a creeper and now he's lotioning me. This is going to turn into a Buffalo Bull situation.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
Randomize
