I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
I'm sittin in my Hawaiian shorts watching the office eating cold asparagus. wow do I suck when you're not here.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
