fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
The night started going downhill when I set my foot on fire.
all i could think about while he was eating me out was how pretty his eyelashes were
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
That's what tomorrow is for. It's like bloodletting. Except with shame and liquor.
As a plus, I've lost 5 pounds in two days, so "party all weekend" is officially a valid diet plan.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I may or may not have spiked my gatorade to get through a game of monopoly with these children.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
