I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Sex in the moonbounce later?
This is why I love you.
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
Randomize
