True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
Randomize
