if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
He got 20 stiches.. Who knew so much damage could come from a single shopping cart.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
Ran up to the dollar store to get batteries for my vibrator. Happy Valentines Day!
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