u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
I think I just need to sleep with both of them to see which I want to date.
You just went from promiscuous to slut in 3.2 seconds.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
Quick!! What's a good reason for me to have rug burn on my chin?
(540): I ran 10 miles and then took a dump behind a rock. What the fuck have you done with a hangover that's comparable?
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Randomize
