i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
