I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
it's 1:30pm and i'm eating cheese while i sext. i need hobbies
Randomize
