they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
Haha at least the one I have like that you can't tell we are completely drunk and you're about to kick a glass out of my hand in a fit of joy over pizza.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
I need to stop challenging people to taking off clothes. I win too often
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
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