i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I mean i stumbled out of the club yelling at random people" I"M GOING TO TEACH YOUR KIDS SOMEDAY!!"
And thats what homeschooling is for
i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
he came so fast he could have be employed at jimmy johns
You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize