I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky
Youre on making sure I dont black out around fat chicks duty
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
As a jewish boy dating her she thinks everypart of christmas is my first time. Helllllo bj under mistletoe!!
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
I got sucker punched while I was making out with some girl...I think my molar might have flown into her mouth
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
i think i just lost a toe
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
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