My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Seriously though, we're going to drink and watch Survivor first one to puke gets voted off the island
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
sorry i was making out with matt didn't mean for it to sound like that. there was no tone
there should be a new saying, don't text and tongue
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Let's never forget the time I met you while you were running down the street naked and in handcuffs.
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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