hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I have acquired 14 pictures of hard dicks tonight... I was on a mission. Don't even pretend you aren't proud.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Hey dude. I've got a mini fridge in my closet now so we don't have to worry about getting drunk and falling down the stairs on our way to get more beer.
I am going to tweet NASA until they put me into space
Those rocketship riding assholes need the common man
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
I feel like I had a successful night. I flashed the guy at the liquor store last night for 2 free tshirts and a giant redbull.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
